Makin Out in the City

A Story about Amanda...

2009-05-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

I keep telling Amanda to blog and she doesn't. Which is what's happened with all the girls, but I hang out with her the most, so she's the only one who has to suffer any consequences.

We hung out with a bunch of people last week, of the bunch, one was this cute boi who Amanda sometimes has a thing for. As we were leaving she was all 'should I text him' and I said yes, but I'm OCD with the texting, so maybe it's not the best idea to get text advice from me, b/c if I like you, chances are the second you're out of my sight you're being texted.

Long-story-short, she reads the text to me that she's about to send...something along the lines of "thanks for coming out, you rock!"

Now...I might not be right about the first part, but I know for a fact "you rock!" -please notice the exclamation point- was in there, b/c I promptly made her take it out.

Here's my question. or...ponder..ing...ness...if you will...

Amanda is really awesome, I mean REALLY awesome, not only do I not understand why she doesn't have a boyf, but I don't understand why this boi isn't all over her. And moreso I don't understand why when really really rad people like Amanda (i include myself on this one) have sort of crushes on people, we immediately say things we haven't said since 8th grade. i.e. "you rock!"

Soon enough we'll be texting eachother 'this party totally rox! lol'

My AIM screen name at one point was BritneyRox

Lessons in Regression

2009-05-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

So, my last Gf, "pretty ok," and I did that thing where we were bff's that fell for each other. Having a connection on that level made it so we both knew it was not going to work about 2 weeks before we called it off. In those two weeks my head was spinning like a windmill, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, mostly in the same direction though...Anyway, the point is, I'm getting over it a lot faster than I would think. I mean, I had to stop following pretty.ok on tumblr bc it was making me feel really weird, but...i feel like i'm supposed to miss her a lot more than I do.

As they always do, new crushes immediately ensued.

Which, of course, is where my regression comes in.

The act of (un)knowingly regressing to my tween years.

I didn't have a cell phone when I was a tween-ager, much less did i have texting, but I assure you, if I did and if I had, I would have obsessively checked it and made sure it was on vibrate and not silent over and over and over the way I do right now. So my tween self and I have things in common. If I had a trapper keeper, I would most certainly be drawing hearts around your name. Not because I'm in love with you, or even want to date you, but because it always feels nice to feel giddy, and drawing hearts is an art all its own.

P.s. I can't tell whether or not you're flirting with me.

I think there should be a rule (i'm flirting with you) should be inserted at the beginning of a text message if you're flirting with me. ok?

We lasted about a week...

2009-05-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

Ooooh Makin out in the City...what are you doing to yourself?

nothing.

exactly. I had an entire relaysh without blogging once. Siiigh. What was I thinking...I WASN'T.

So I totes fell for one of my best friends, which wasn't a mistake by any means, but when god, family, friends and distance all rear their ugly heads at the same time, two girls have a phone talk that ends in 'well, that was a lot easier than i thought' ...Needless to say we made the mutual decizh to call it quits on something that was actually pretty damn rad. Oh well, what is there to do when a little asian girl from the south needs to figure her self out and a self-proclaimed 'city girl' who's chasing her career can't help??

I ate at Whole Foods today with my lovely little gay boi coworker, josh. He goes on a lot of dates, a lot of really bad dates...How do people get dates? I don't know if I've ever even been on a date, unless I was already dating the person...isn't that backwards?

Is that a gay-gal thing?

p.s. i hate the word lesbian.

love,
Dannielle

dannielle

2009-01-21T17:59:00.001-08:00

JUST got her very first wink from a kinda cute girl on match.com

took long enough

Mackenzie

2009-01-20T11:04:00.001-08:00

Deleted herself from match.com.

Amanda, Dannielle, Mackenzie

2009-01-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

joined match.com

Amanda "What's Eye-Contact?"

2009-01-12T15:15:00.001-08:00

I saw Hoodie twice this week. We manage to have pretty civil conversations when placed in a room together. They only last about one minute and don't involve any eye-contact. None. If I look at him, he's not looking at me. Then, if I see him start to look to me, I'm automatically staring at the microwave. There are two times that we're guaranteed to look at one another, and that's when we either first see eachother or when one of us is leaving for the day. Then we get all our flirting out and smile and wave and I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT. Hmm...how can I trap this boy into liking me? Does that sound creepy enough? Or should I splash some more crazy into there?

Working with my friends is one of the most rewarding things in the world. I'm part of a show called Dollop and about 7 of us collaborate to write, film, and act in it. We had a writing meeting at Intelligentsia the other day, and while looking around I started to think....we are the coolest five people in here. Including the 3 hipster baristas. Wow. And it feels so awesome to have a vision and have it agree with 6 other people's. And to LAUGH with people. God. I need to stop being so socially awkward and be around people. They make me so happy sometimes. I also need to buy vaccumm bags. Reminder.

Sorry, Dannielle, for lagging on the posts. Holidays were a time away from the computer for me. Now, I'm back. And listening to Michelle Branch on Pandora...jealous?

dannielle. Starbucks.

2009-01-12T14:00:00.001-08:00

I hate that I'm the only one that blogs.
It makes me feel egotistical ....

Enough about me, let's talk about me.

So, as I walked into Starbucks this 15yr old trying to impress his equally unfortunate friends yells 'Morning SUNSHINE!' and smiles at me....I look at him like he's an asshole and am on my way. I pass two business men, the whiter one goes 'hey there, how are you today' to which I respond 'uh, good' and walk quickly past everyone before anyone else I clearly don't know says ANYTHING to me. When I'm ordering my soy latte, the little blonde girl asks me where my friend is, making it clear that I've been in this starbucks way too many times....

The above is why I think I wouldn't be good at being famous. Though I really want a ton of money and respect and ability to work on projects I care about, I don't know that I'd be any good at the appeasing the public part. I hate it when people bother me on the streets, it makes me anxious. In public I'm completely silent and awkward to any(and every)one I come in contact with.

I'm the loser that goes to the atm when I have 4 checks to deposit, b/c I REALLY don't want to go inside, or even to the drive through window...people scare the ever living shit out of me. I feel like this is why I don't meet new people easily, it's the reason I didn't hang out with anyone until Jillian and Amanda moved here.

I need to get over it, but how does one get over intense anxiety with a side effect of near hyperventilation when feeling socially awkward?

"I don't do crowds, everyone put it down to rudeness
I laughed out loud, could they all see that it was madness?
please come to save me from myself again,
to shield me to disguise that my heart has a secret
and this will make you sigh, and me cry"
~Camera Obscura

dannielle. 'is the only one that blogs'

2009-01-08T04:30:00.000-08:00

Holidays eff everything up.

I'm convinced of it. We have two weeks of unpaid non-working, in the middle of a recession, while celebrating with expensive gifts and dinners...good job America.

I got annoyed at work. Mainly bc cRush got half-fired. I don't call it firing, based on the fact that it was our managers fault. He forgets when people request off on a regular basis, and we just cover our own asses at the last minute while freaking out and sweating...well, this forgetfulness caused cRush her job, bc he wanted to be a dick about it I guess.

I don't know. Apparently there was drama at the cafe...I was in South Carolina, livin it up in 80 degree weather with my life-time bffe.

Needless to say (my new favorite ffffrase), I'm upset about it.

Working with cRush meant 2 times a week I would get a free hang out. and considering how slow it is this winter, it was basically 6 hours of sitting around and talking about celebrities.

This was pointless. I just felt like bitching at 630 in the am.

dannielle.

2009-01-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

I love Fiona Apple.
I don't know how she writes the way she does. I always have such trouble writing about the actual way I feel. I can write about the old lady who lived in a shoe, or a love affair with Barney the Dinosaur, or even the trials and tribulations of Little Red Riding Hood...However, when it comes to something that hits too close to home, I close up and get writers block. PLUS I hate when drama unfolds and I have this sinking feeling that it's stemming from something I did or said.

Why must people talk when you talk, or talk when you write, or talk when you sing? Why is that. People are never satisfied just being them.

Tangent alert.

ok. updates. I have same crush, which by the way, I'm tired of calling her 'str8' because it just doesn't feel right. So, crush is now called cRush. ok. So. cRush and I are really good friends. Which is awesome. I heart her in the way I heart all of my besties. I just also have a crush on her. But it's this really weird thing where she's with topgun and I'm totes ok with it. I would venture to say I like it a little bit. Mainly b/c he's so cute. and wears transitions. The thing I don't like about it? I don't see her as much. or really even talk to her as much. It bugs me. I realized a few weeks ago that the reason I love crushign on cRush is because she likes spending time with me and that's really all I want right now. I don't want to d8 anyone, I just want to be around amazing people that want to be around me. So I can crush on cRush without feeling weird. boom.

I genuinely want to know what I ever did to buzz.kill to make her want to ruin my shit.
and why does she suck so bad??
and why did i spend so much time dealing with it?

fucking go
cuz i done what i could for you
and i do know what's good for me
and i'm not benefiting
instead i'm sitting, singing again
how can i deal with this, if he won't get with this
am i gonna heal from this, he won't admit to it
nothing to figure out, i gotta get him out
it's time the truth comes out that
he don't give a shit about me

I love Fiona Apple.

dannielle. Mirah sings 'the sun'

2008-12-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

I hate when I'm bored b/c I look at facebook.

I hate looking at facebook b/c I look at people who I'm not friends with anymore.

I hate looking at people I'm not friends with anymore bc I miss them.

I hate missing them b/c I think about why we're not friends anymore.

I hate thinking about why we're not friends anymore, bc I feel like it's at 'the fault' of buzz.kill.

I hate that.

I especially hate that I spent over a year getting in trouble b/c I wouldn't talk shit about our friends, b/c I stood up for them.

I don't get that. I did the right thing, I stood up for my friends and told her that they were just trying to understand her and that that was a hard thing to do, and she should try to see what they're saying and maybe they're right... and I'm the one with the loss? I lost good friends bc they chose her. They chose her because they have no idea who she is when they aren't listening. I know this part of her, and I never say anything because I don't want her to lose the friends she does have, whether she deserves them or not.

I'm glad I have so many other amazing friends.

I'm pissed she has amazing friends. She doesn't deserve them, she talks about them like they're worthless and they have no idea. but I know, and I keep my mouth shut.

It's times like these that I'm glad Shania Twain was around circa 96...and I wonder.

Who's bed have your boots been under?

Who's heart did you steal?

I wonder

This time, did it feel like thunder

baby?

Amanda "Happy Holler-day! and I Got Your Crazy"

2008-12-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

I am so glad that I stayed in Chicago for Christmas. It just feels right-even though today was 65 degrees out. Christmas Eve I worked until 7, then Hannah and Emily came over and we ate fried chicken, mashed potatoes, powdered donuts, Oreos, and drank chocolate milk and wine. Then we watched Elf and Britney:For the Record and The Hills. And I went to bed super happy. Then, on Christmas Day I awoke at my leisure-after silencing about 7 phone calls from people who awoke before noon-to find a Christmas stocking hidden under my bed from Santa! or Marie...I think it was Marie. So, I spent all day inside cleaning house, doing crosswords,painting my nails, reading Tiger Beat (thanks Marie!), and in general being really happy. I know that in a couple days I'll go crazy from not seeing anyone and being in my apartment alone, but until the crazy starts I'm fine being a loner.

In two days a boy is coming into town. A boy that I had a summer fling with a year ago. And by fling I mean that we made out once. I won't have my friends here to be my buffer and I don't really know what's going to happen. Thank God I work a lot then go out of town and can blame my lameness on that. I really do want to see him, though. It makes me excited to think about. I just don't know if I ever liked him, or if I will...I'll still make out with him, though. Fo sho.

I borrowed a book from Mackenzie's book shelf called Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood and have been immersed in it for the past 3 nights. I'm glad I didn't binge drink in college. Or in high school. Reading this book makes my stomach ache. And makes me scared to be a mom and have kids. Can I just make them be like me when I was a kid? I listened to my parents, never did bad things, and made good grades. I was also a total loser, so I guess that's the trade off.

I can't wait to:
Have my roomies back
Have my bestest back
See my family!
Ride on an airplane
Play another Vintage Gramma show

"You want your crazy?
I got your crazy"-Britney Spears

Cramped at Christmas

2008-12-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

I spent my Christmas slightly buzzed eating Chinese takeout in a sportsbar with my roommate and her parents. 3,000 miles away my Mom spent Christmas cleaning the house and my sisters spent it with my Dad. Things are strange. I haven't had a "normal" Christmas with my family in about 8 years if any of them were normal. It was a weird holiday season for me. Alot of things have been weird. I feel like I have been stuck in a tube since June 26th, 2008. A time capsule sealed by this bubbling turmoil and anxiety of this city and buried in leagues of alcohol. I barely feel present in my own body most of the time.

I am really going to buckle down and get on the grad school wagon because I feel myself getting fat and chubby girls have to be better educated than pretty ones.

My current gave me a sweet Christmas present, well, the present was just a gift but the sentiment and the poetry behind it were what got me. I got all fuzzy eyed and then we awkwardly stood and stared around his kitchen for a long time, which is what we do. I have found myself surprised that I am so excited about him getting back into town. It feels good for this sour puss to be checking her phone to make sure the sound is on and she didn't miss a call and that her legs are shaved and that there's not cat hair all over the bed and you know, all the things girls do when they have crushes. I tend to get my crush after I start going out with someone, so, its kind of happening now. My main hang up (among alot of small hang-ups) is that I don't know if I want to make room in my life for someone new. I am because I can't help it because he isn't allowing me not to, (which I am kind of ok with?) and I guess that's how it works when you like someone anyway- you just slide over and let them in.
And, I don't want to hurt anyone, which I always do. I always hurt someone and hurt myself, too.

I'm stealing some wifi and I'm hiding in the corner and my legs are cramping and getting numb so I have to cut this one short.

dannielle. frans n fam

2008-12-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

So, I think right now I'm watching 'True Life: I'm white trash' ...I could be wrong, but I can't figure out what else these people have in common.

I love being home. I love seeing family. I got to hang out with my dads family for a day, which was really nice, I haven't seen them in so long. You know how you ahve kids in your family who are six so for the next ten years of your life, you're telling people about your six year old cousin, then you get to christmas one year and all of a sudden everyone is 15?? That happened, a LOT. It was weird. the baby one was like 7...bizzarre...Id prefer they stop growing, b/c it makes me feel old. At one point I asked my 17 year old cousin what he and my 15 year old cousin were texting about and his response was 'sorry, teenagers only' and I pouted, then we went to see Marley & Me, so I was ok....

On the love side of life, I don't have news, but I have stuff to talk about?
If you pay attention at all to my photoblog (dannielle.tumblr.com) you are fully aware that I hung out with first.love, which was really nice, but confusing b/c i love the shit outta her, and we understand eachother in the most everything of ways...does that sentence make sense? Anyway. We're platonic soul mates, at least for the next 10 years or so.
I also hung out with this wonderful girl that i liked, and she liked me, and we dated without ever dating. (side note: she had a psycho exboyf who stalked us)
So, I go to waffle house with never.dated and we hang for a good 4 hours, we're bffs now and she's one of those people that you don't ever talk to and then when you see each other it's like you've been talking everyday...it's sort of awesome.

I dont know. I'm just lucky. very very very lucky to have such amazing people in my life. And I've always been fortunate in that, when i'm no longer in a relationship with someone, we usually become good friends, b/c we're mature and care about eachother. I really like that.

I'm really effing lucky. AND I know the point of this girl-blog is to talk about love, relationships and making it in chicago, but the thing is...I really only care about having good friends. I mean, sometimes I want someone to cuddle with, but I think i'll be happy for the rest of my life as long as I have good friends, and right now, my friends are amazing, and I'm happy, and I love run-on sentences...

the end.

Mackenzie "Dumb"

2008-12-25T19:23:00.001-08:00

Dumb is telling someone you write about that you have a blog.
Dumb is me.

dannielle. happy-go-lucky

2008-12-20T07:24:00.000-08:00

TXT: U want somebody n your life?
TXT: Not really. I wat a part time cuddlebug and time with someone interesting. Don't need a relaysh for that. u want a somebody?
TXT: No, im not good w others. Get a bigger cat?

I am a people-pleaser.
I don't like to hurt peoples feelings.
I don't let people pay me for gas when they've borrowed my car for a day.
I purposefully forget that I bought someone dinner.
I say 'yes' when i mean 'ehg'
I am dishonest with the way I feel....often.
I let people take advantage of me.
I appear much stronger than I am.
I don't get enough alone time.
I am rarely sad, making other people happy makes me happy.
I don't see anything wrong with being a people-pleaser.
I am a people=pleaser.

This is something I've lived with my entire life. It's addictive. The act of saying 'yes' or 'sure' or 'i'd be happy to' or 'tru dat' --depending on the situation-- makes me feel accomplished and lovely. However, when I say yes, even though I don't want to, it wears on me. A lot more than I'd like it to. This is something I am dealing with, the consequences.

I don't want to date you.
I don't want you to spend the night.
I don't want to be on your team.
I don't want to buy things for you.
I don't want to let you borrow money.
I don't want to give you my car.
I don't want to take your picture.
I don't want to spend all my time with you.
I don't want to expect things from you.
I don't want to love you.
I don't want to feel for you.
I don't want to tell you you're right.
I don't want to be the only thing that keeps you sober.
I don't want to be your scapegoat.
I don't want to sit in silence while thinking of what i'll say when you ask 'are you ok' ...b/c I know i won't tell the truth.
I don't want to stop caring about you.
I don't want to pretend everything is ok, when we both know it's not.
I don't want to wave to you.
I don't want to give you the answer you want.
I don't want to sacrifice my happiness for yours.
i don't want to pretend.

but I will...and I'll deal with consequences, and we will be happy.
Happiness is subjective, and when you smile, I smile. When you laugh, I laugh. When you cry, I will do whatever it takes to make you smile again, so that I can smile again, and we can laugh again, and we can be happy again.

Amanda "Ignore Me When I'm Mean"

2008-12-17T15:54:00.001-08:00

I've been a super bitch this week. Just all around crabby and pitiful. I've been sleeping way too much, eating way too many holiday cookies, and reading horrible literature. I think I just diagnosed myself. Thanks, blog.

I'm just completely frustrated with work and life right now. I hate being taken advantage of, and I feel like work is taking advantage of me. I need a new job. I've also been quite disappointed with some of my friends as of late. I dislike when people can't take responsibility and fess up to forgetting something or messing up. Everyone messes up. Just admit it. Please? Thank you.

Also. It angers me when pretty girls date ugly boys. Or pretty girls date ugly girls. Or pretty boys date ugly girls. All of it. Angers me. I've done it before. And I see how not fun it was. IM BEING SO MEAN. I just need to get it out. So, just as a warning, if you are a pretty girl and come up to me and say "I kissed blah blah blah" or "I'm dating blah blah blah" and he just happens to be disgusting....don't expect me to be happy. Cause I'm tired of pretending.

On a happier and less annoying note, I'm glad it's snowing. I'm glad I get to see my family in two weeks. I'm glad my hair is long and I decided against chopping it all off. I'm glad I don't have a boyfriend, because then I would spend less time with friends and on creative projects. I'm glad Candy Cane Joe-Joe's exist....even though I shouldn't admit to loving cookies in my current state.

dannielle. shares again.

2008-12-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

And now we meet on a street,
And I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.
---
I saw buzz.kill on the street today and I made the decision to look her in the eye and share a smile, I was even going to say 'hey', and as I lifted my head and made a noticeable effort to lock eyes with her, she looked away and bounded into a nearby convenient store. So this is what we are. Two people who cannot make eye contact?
**I'm happy going down knowing I'm the person that at least tried, as insignificant as it was/is.
----
The dove of hope
began his downward slope
---
My mom is drinking again. And she thinks I don't know. And I pretend I don't. But I do, because I'm not an idiot. She doesn't know anything about me and this makes me sad, but I'm used to it, so it doesn't make me as sad as it should. I'm just glad I don't live there anymore. I would hate to feel an obligation to be surrounded by it on a semi-regular basis. I'm also glad I have good reasons to get off the phone. And, I'm glad I have people who love me to see, so it won't ruin my holidays.
**These things make me feel shitty.
----
it'd be better to forget you
but i don't really want to
----
I met Top.Gun. This is the guy that str8 is "not" dating. The boi that she "doesn't" like. I told her i never wanted to meet him, b/c i might beat him up. I don't blame her, he just showed up while we were working and she went out of her way to not introduce us...which i think is cute. But he introduced himself. I apparently made a really disgusted face, then I said "oh, have you been here this whole time...neat" ...and that was that. My offending him and making him feel obscenely weird is beside the point. He was cute...really really really cute. I keep thinking about the word 'dreamy' and while it's not completely accurate, it's close. He came in again, and we waved and I want to hate him...but it's harder than it was before i'd met him...
**I will, however, keep pretending...

dannielle. 'i don't know why i said all that'

2008-12-16T21:36:00.000-08:00

Dec. 8, 2008
6:18 pm
Txt: "why does having a crush on someone hurt so bad" - heather just said that.
Txt: Bc its playing w fire, unreciprocated, total frustration based on the appearance of yourself n that personality

"it was so simple in the moonlight, now it's so complicated"

On past blogs I would open and close every entry with a quote from whatever song I was listening to. People would always read it and take it really personally and ask me later "who was THAT about?!" To which I responded, "it was just the song I was listening to" ...which was sometimes true, and sometimes me feeling weird because it was about them, or because I was still hung up on some fake boi crush that I had. Or me not wanting to tell people I was a gay. There was always something. Even though I was convinced I was just listening to a song...I was a subconscious pathological liar who was somewhat and sometimes aware of her actions.

I don't know why I said all that.

and I don't know why I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional.

and I don't know why I -- miss first.love so much, forget about buzz.kill so often, feel weird around boi, and still have a giant ridiculous crush on str8.

I don't like not having solid reasons for things. Usually I'm pretty good at logic-ing my way outta things.

Also, the following lines

"Mr. Obama, I am no yuppie
So I was super impressed with your 3-legged puppy"

got me into the 2nd city musical conservatory.

you're welcome...

Marie: I kissed a boy and I liked it (a la Katy Perry)

2008-12-15T22:42:00.000-08:00

Yep.

It wasn't someone I should be kissing.
But I did it anyway.

And
I liked it.

Out like Liza Minelli's sanity.

dannielle. 'eh?'

2008-12-12T14:46:00.001-08:00

I like to think I know myself pretty well. I guess one can only know so much about one's self until one runs into something that one didn't expect...

Feel free to replace the word 'one' with 'i' or 'me' in the above sentence.

I woke up this morning, it was cold and I was tangled with another body. It was nice. I was happy. It was unexpected. I was excited. It was a boi. I was confused.

But not really. I guess this is what straight girls feel like the morning after they drunkenly make out with their friends Sophomore year...but we weren't drunk.

I also had a dream. --we're talking REM, not MLK. Str8 and I were walking to go meet Amanda's family. She told me to make sure we sat next to each other, and asked me if we were playing straight this time. I said yes, because Kirk would be weird if we didn't....

it was weird. i'm nervous about telling amanda. so i'm going to make her read this blog.

Amanda "I Love Gossip Girl"

2008-12-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

I've been having somewhat of an identity crisis lately. I feel not myself. So whenever this happens I take to reading about other people's lives and watching television shows about pretty people. Enter Augusten Burroughs, David Sedaris, and Gossip Girl. After reading or watching these, I feel smarter and aspire to buy new lip glosses. Or curl my hair. Or buy something tartan plaid then drink an earl grey vanilla creme while doing a crossword puzzle. Or just pretend I don't have real problems for a while. Cause what are my financial and emotional crises compared to a deadly car crash, horrible perm job, or coming out to your parents? Small and insignificant.

10 Fun Facts About Amanda

1. Everytime her phone rings and it's an unknown number, she hopes its a boy.

2. She constantly has music playing in her head, so don't ask her if shes 'okay' when she's staring blankly at a wall; she's listening to music and you're ruining it.

3. She dislikes covers of Christmas songs...therefore dislikes most Christmas songs.

4. She has crushes on girls who dress cool or have really shiny hair. No matter how bad their teeth are, shiny hair always wins.

5. If you're sitting on a train reading the 4th Twilight book, put your guard up. She may trip you or punch you, steal the book, and run. She's super excited to read it.

6. She loves Joel McHale on The Soup, and takes most of his jokes personally...as in he's saying them to her...personally.

7. Her iTunes is broken and it tortures her.

8. She secretly loves waiting at the Belmont El stop in the freezing cold. It makes her appreciate her ugly warm hat.

9. She loves grungy boys who smoke and brood. But would never date one.

10. The words linger, tapas, and uber make her uncomfortable.

Fun things should be happening in my life soon, so hopefully I'll have something legit to write about next time. Maybe I'll punch somebody! Who knows!

dannielle. 'babies n crushin'

2008-12-08T11:54:00.000-08:00

I feel like the title to this blog seems more inappropriate than it should.
My mom was in town this weekend (as was marie's, which is adorable). We had a great time. We spent far too much time in MArshall's, which is where this blog stems from. I was walking around in the baby aisle--which is really just a baby cluster, b/c they dont really have well defined aisles at Marshall's-- and I found myself getting exceedingly jealous of the attractive young mom looking for a baby poofy jacket.

Part a. omjbabypoofyjacketsaresocuteandireallylovebabyugggs!!
Part b. Why am I totes jelly? I should be like 'whew, glad i dont have to be doing that right now' but no, I'm all *heavy sigh* and *slight whimper* and *meow*
Part c. gaaaaay. no offense, self. none taken, self.

Anyway. Who am I kidding? All said and done, she could have been shopping for her little cousin, much like I...should have been doing. In reality, I was looking at the cute shit and buying fun books. And wishing I owned various camp rock items.

Also. Gotta get over crush, it's making me wary of people. I'd like to explain why, but I don't feel like blogging anymore.

Also dos. I had a dream last night that Heather and I were getting married and moving into a house. And I was crazy in love with her. And buzz.kill and I wanted to be friends.

what? I miss first.love. I'm randomly mad at str8, and I dont know why. I will never be friends with buzz.kill cuz my dad says that once crazy people leave your life...don't let them back in.

he's right.

Marie "What Was I Thinking?"

2008-12-03T06:07:00.000-08:00

Mountain Man - one specific human of the male persuasion originating in mountainous regions of the United States and migrating east with intent to initiate customary mating activities with one specific human of the female persuasion currently inhabiting the metropolitan area officially denominated Chicago.

I have one.

Unfortunately.

A week or so ago it seemed like a good idea to me to have this man whom I barely know at all - and I mean at all - fly to Chicago in order to, "just hang out with [me] more." Because "things like this don't happen that often," etc. etc.

Let me explain something. Things like this do happen that often. Dumb girls and dumb boys allow their dumb selves to be fooled into believing that they have met someone who is, "just so different from all the other girls [or boys] I've met" with whom "we share such a connection" blah blah blah.

Let me explain something else. Things like this do happen that often... to me. I have met people in circumstances which cause our time together to be brief, and I have shared a connection with them, maybe even a spark of some sort of easy, light-hearted love, and I have felt different with them than I did with anyone else, and it did seem awfully impossible. And that is what made it romantic and fun and exciting.

So, Mountain Man, I hate to break it to you, but you are not the first person to attract my hopelessly romantic nature (and yes, sadly, I am a hopeless romantic). You're not the first person I have formed a "moment in time" connection with. And you are not the first "moment-in-time-connection-person" with whom I have kept in touch. And you are not the first or only one I have seen again later. But... you are the first one to blow it so quickly.

I mean, damn.

Here's the thing about Mountain Man. I never thought that we had one of "those" connections. The "moment in time" connection I had with Mountain Man was not that uncanny, soul touching connection. It was much more light-hearted than that. I liked him, was attracted to him, thought he was fun and smart and balanced and mature. I wanted to hang out with him; I wanted to make out with him. I did not want to date him, love him, marry him, or any of that tomfoolery. I thought the connection we shared was a "hey, you're awesome and cute and let's hang out for three days and then i'll see you later and by later i mean probably never but i'll text message you sometimes and sometimes call but we're not seeing each other again and i am certainly not purchasing a plane ticket to fly back to chicago and invade your life, house, room, and bed for five nights so let's just hang while i'm here and enjoy the company of someone without having to worry about real stuff like feelings or relationships or any of that bullshit okay great let's play" connection.

That's what I thought we were doing.

It was a mistake to let him come back to Chicago two weeks later, even though I said he could only come if it was mostly to hang out with his friends and as long as there were no strings attached. You know, as long as we were maintaining that "just fun, nothing real" connection I thought we were doing. What ended up happening? He hung out with me more than mostly, and then he attached some strings. He attached the "gosh I really like you a lot i like you a lot i haven't liked anyone this much in a long time i like you a lot" strings. And he hung on me. And he annoyed me. And he treated my like I was his girlfriend, his.... well just his. He treated me like I was his. Which was not what I signed up for at all and which I despise 97.9% of the time anyway. So he became a tumor and a nuisance and completely unattractive to me at all. And he annoyed me.

Did I mention that?

Marie "Am I supposed to be putting these things in quotes?"

2008-12-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

Mountain Man is here.

Right now he went to the store to get us some wine, so I am sneeking in a short blog. It'll take the wine, that's all I'm gonna say.

Once again I have realized how much men just make me want them to go away.

And the sex thing is always an issue. How to help them deal with the fact that I'm not going to sleep with them without brusing their ego, causing them to pout, or other annoying reactions. And kissing... I'll be blogging about kissing as soon as M and M peaces and I get some time to myself. Because I have some definite things to say about it.

Also, I love you girls.

Out like Michael Jackson's popularity.

Amanda "Friendsgiving and Friends and Giving"

2008-11-30T20:21:00.000-08:00

I read in a magazine today that people who give more to others than they give to themselves are generally happier people. Which led me to realize that I'm selfish. I want things. Sometimes really small things like a Vitamin Water (which is gross) or a manicure (ruined in 2 days) or gummy bears (eaten regularly). I want to give more, though. And Christmas is coming, even though I'll probably be here in Chicago, so I need to be in a giving mood instead of a taking one.

Thanksgiving was this past week, and those of us who couldn't be with our families came to Friendsgiving with Marie, Dannielle, and I. I made a pumpkin pie, which turned into two, and fried chicken. Ate biscuits, cornbread, enchiladas. Drank cola, wine, eggnog. In that order. That was one of the best days I've had in Chicago yet. Surrounded by friends and playing music and eating a shit ton of Southern food. Awesome.

This blog is supposed to be about boys and relationships, I guess. I'm sort of in a rut. I really want to be more aggressive with flirting and asking people out...but I'm SO FREAKING AWKWARD around people I like. I try too hard. And if I play the whole coy thing it just seems like I'm ignoring them. Because I technically am. Ugh, why can't Daniel Craig just fly in and save me already?

dannielle. p.s.

2008-11-30T16:28:00.000-08:00

Also. This was my whore-uh-schoop today. Thing is, I had a long convo with Marie about str8 last night. And Amanda thinks I should talk to her about it. AND I don't want to...sooo....so there.

pay no attn to the typo in my h-scope...stupid facebook.

dannielle. 'The Giant Pencil'

2008-11-30T09:48:00.001-08:00

I wish that life came with a giant pencil and you could erase certain things out of your life. Does that make sense without sounding to angsty?? I was on the phone with a good friend the other day and I was talking about being so excited that she and some otha homies are coming to visit. I'll just give you a basic run down of the convo.

"oh, also, I wanted to talk to you about this at some point, but I do wanna visit buzz.kill while I'm there"
"oh, of course! She's your friend, and she lives here, there's no reason you shouldn't, my schedule is pretty free while you're here, so we can just work around her skedge if you want? anytime she's doing something u guys can hang out with me, otherwise, i think you should see her as much as you can"
"yea! that's great, and she my friend too and stuff"
"absolutely"
"also, there are like 9 people from "home" coming up, did you know that?"
"no, i only knew about you, c and a"
"oh, well, yea -she lists the people that are coming-"
"oh, that's awesome"
"yea, and they all have places to stay and everything. but i think buzz,kill wants to do a thing with like all the "home" people and some of her chicago friends, and i dont know if you would feel weird..."
"oh yea, that would deffy be the kind of thing I would avoid, I mean, even when we're at the same events it's just weird"
"yea, I understand, I just wanted to let you know"
"i just hope her thing isn't on new years eve, b/c I was really looking forward to spending that with you guys"
"yea..."

So, now my head is having a frenzy moment b/c if I know anything about buzz,kill she's probably been stalking my facebook wall posts and seeing how excited I am about spending time with my buds on NYE, and she's planned a large event on that very night, b/c she knew it would upset me.

If that's the case, web world, she won. I will be very upset. I might even have a rage-black-out where I destroy small things and have no such recollection of the events that occurred.

I've never had a break up where friends had to choose sides and such. Buzz,kill blatantly made one of our friends choose, and that really made me feel weird. I can't imagine choosing, wouldn't you just feel shitty? I think i would.

Whatevs. i believe in karma. hardcore.

Sabrina "Why am I doing this right now?!"

2008-11-29T00:27:00.000-08:00

I mean, its Friday. FRIDAY. I was home and alone at 12:25 on a FRIDAY NIGHT.

Friday night and I live in Chicago and I just had a wonderful (?) date with a great guy so... why am I home eating delicious thanksgiving leftovers which I, at any other time, would not be chewing so angrily, when I am young and beautiful and ready to go out. I am so irritated right now.

Alright, its no secret that I am a frat boy trapped in a female body. I mean, I'm a frat boy, right, so, yeah, a little gay. Ok, so, when I have been dating someone for awhile and still get awkward kisses at random times and then we have a really nice night together and another awkward kiss and then I walk/cuss my way home, alone, freezing, pee, put my pjs and freaking blog while I'm curled around turkey and stuffing from yesterday- I wonder. I truly do. I wonder why I am going to sleep alone tonight. Huh. I am in awe.

I know I didn't do anything wrong. So, question, CHICAGO. Question.

What's up with that?

It hurts my feelings so I thought I would bring it up and we could talk it over. Every time one thing starts working out something else that seemed like it would be fine stops. Just stops. Stops being fine.

How about this gravy, though, right? I'm eating my frustration at the now obvious fact that I am not the only gay frat boy in Chicago who went home alone tonight.

dannielle. 'The Secret to being in Love'

2008-11-25T23:24:00.001-08:00

I know the secret to being in love. I just came up with it today. You have to be in love with something inanimate for it to work. Right now I am in love with blogging. Blogging and food. Two things I can't get enough of. Boom. You're welcome web-world, go on with your lives more enriched...Thank me later, with cakes and cookies and blogs.

On a less-thought-out note: I can't stop thinking about my ex. You know the first love one? Can't stop. Partly b/c one of my bests can't stop thinking about hers, and it makes me think of mine.
I miss her. And we talk now, we're friends, we'll even talk about our current or more recent relationships and it doesn't bother me or make me jealous, but I want her around. She thought I was funny, and appreciated little things I did. Plus she was pretty and smart. siiiigh. The good ole days. Back when all I had to think about was being in school and christmas vacation.

We spend at least 16 years of our lives in school and suddenly get dumped into the real world to follow our dreams.
What were you thinking, WORLD?

Also. Amanda is deffy my FEF (for eternity friend) and I tell her about my dreams sometimes. So, if you wanna tell her about your dream, just do it. She'll get over it.

Tonight Jillian asked me why so many people liked me.
Tonight my boss asked me if one of my students had a crush on me.
Tonight I started making my friend's birthday present.
Tonight I mixed cranberry and OJ and delighted in my juice cocktail.
Tonight my dad added me on facebook.

Tonight...is the niiiiight...when two become wuh-uh-uhn (one)
i need some love like i never needed love before (wanna make love to ya babay)
had a little loooove, now i'm back for more (wanna make love to ya babay)
set your spirit free (set it free) it's the only way to beeeeee

Thank *you know who* for the spice girls. whew.

Amanda "Dream On"

2008-11-25T11:46:00.001-08:00

Dreams usually don’t mean that much to me. I hate when someone says ”So, I had this dream last night…”, because that means that I have to sit for 20 minutes and listen to someone describe something that was so vivid to them that I can’t even see. Pet peeve. Obvi. Well, I’ve been having these dreams lately, and no, I won’t go all hypocrite on you and tell you about them, and they involve a certain boy. A certain boy I broke up with almost 2 years ago, but just got over recently.

The first occurance was when I had about a week of panic attacks and every night he was in my dream hugging me or we were just sleeping beside eachother. Then they stopped for a bit, and two nights ago I had another one. Just us being comfortable and in love. I wake up feeling very happy…and then weirded out. Because I shouldn’t be having these dreams. But I am. And I like them. I think I just miss him-not as my boyfriend, but as a constant friendly presence. We have had problems getting to see one another this past month, and that’s probably the longest we’ve ever gone not seeing eachother. Which is also weird because we’re not dating. Ugh. But I feel like fate has a hand in our friendship and this ‘time off’ is happening for a reason. Hopefully he is developing just as many useless crushes as I am and we are both moving on. I would like that. For him to be happy.

The reason I think I can blog about this is because I feel like the dreams are stopping. New boys are entering them and making me feel happy. Like Hoodie, one of my crushes, was in my dream last night. He had written me an invitation on a greeting card to go hang out with him. The greeting card had a puppy on it. I promptly wrote him back on another greeting card that yes, I would love to. I woke up happy. Then weirded out. Who writes notes on greeting cards?

11.23.08 Marie: Mountain Man

2008-11-25T10:49:00.000-08:00

Mountain Man – a man living in the mountains usually sporting a beard, a flannel shirt, a carefree attitude, a great appreciation and love for the outdoors, and a dog.

I have one.

While in Chicago visiting some friends from college, Mountain Man found his way into my place of employment and promptly seated himself at the counter to enjoy one of our delicious sandwiches. We struck up a conversation wherein I learned that he drives a car completely fueled by vegetable oil, studied environmental sciences in college, and lives in Colorado. I also learned that he has been to Charleston and loved it. All of these things, of course, make me like him a lot. He asks for my number, and I give it to him. It’s very sweet.

We hang out all weekend. He kisses me for the first time outside of the hotdog stand on Clark and Barry. We take his dog for a walk in the park. We have tea at my house. We go out with his friends and my friends and play drinking games (this is the night Amanda meets Tim… Amanda and I both like to kiss boys in really classy places like hotdog stands and in bushes). I spend the night with him (and by that I mean I sleep next to him not with him. I don’t sleep with people.) We get bagels in the morning, and he drives himself back to Colorado on one hour of sleep and a hangover.

Mountain Man and I definitely hit things off. He is silly and kind and energetic and fun. He cares about things. AND… this is one of the best parts… he and I don’t have to explain ourselves to one another because we’re almost always on the same page. Our conversations are always natural, and he ‘gets’ me easily. This is very refreshing after dating two men in the past year or so who absolutely did not get me at all – who seemed baffled and upset by me a large percentage of the time. One of these two men (the one who still remains my most serious boyfriend to date) said this to me while we were going through our breakup, “Marie, I do love you, but (and this is the important part) you are very hard to love.”

In some ways he is right. But here is my thought. If you find it hard to love someone… he/she probably isn’t the person for you. Relationships are challenging enough as it is. Why make things harder on yourself and your person by trying to love someone you just don’t love? You are not a bad person if you don’t love them. You just don’t love them. You care about them, like them, enjoy them, appreciate them, respect them. But you don’t love them. Love is magic. Not an obstacle. Not an equation. Not a fight. Not a matching game. Love is a gift and a mystery. It is in its definition to be indefinable. Hopefully when you find the person you want to love for the rest of your life, the loving them is the part that is easy. The hard stuff has to do with our humanity – our hang-ups, our insecurities, our fears, needs, beliefs, faults, shortcomings. Hopefully the love is the easy part. Maybe it’s the compatibility that is the hard part. And hopefully you find both – the perfect fit and the love – all in one package.

More musings on love to follow, I’m sure.

Also – I’m not in love with Mountain Man. Let’s be clear about that. The love talk was a rabbit I suddenly noticed and decided to chase.

I’m hoping one day he will lead me to Wonderland.

The rabbit, that is.

11.22.08 Amanda

2008-11-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

If you’re ever craving sweet tea or cheese grits, like Dannielle and Amanda most recently did, go to Dixie’s Kitchen in Evanston. It’s a drive, or a 40 minute train ride, but sooooo worth it. Look how ‘down home’ Amanda looks in this shot. Jealous?

11.22.08 Sabrina

2008-11-25T10:46:00.000-08:00

spins. This is a picture of my mental and emotional state concerning my most recent post

11.22.08 Sabrina "The Talking Nut"

2008-11-25T10:42:00.002-08:00

Here’s an excerpt from an e-mail I just sent.

I have been incredibly stressed lately. It feels like I am never rested- like, I’m always tired and worried. Sorry, I rudely woke you guys up the other day- I was flipping out. I apologized to L and I want to apologize to you, too. That was terribly, terribly rude of me. I’m losing my mind. Don’t mind me, I’ll try to be better and maybe once I start working a real job and stop trying to crawl out of my skin I will calm down some. Probably not because I am insane. Thanks for your message. sorry to be a nut. that’s just me. If there is tension its because I am barely human. I’m like 80% water and 300% tension and anxiety and some creepy compulsive need to achieve and be good at everything at all times which no one is so when I’m not which I really feel I’m not right now- I kind of lose it. Thats it in a nutshell, Literally…a nutshell. a nut, in a shell. Hello, that’s me. Nice to meetcha.

I want to know who Marie’s boy is.

Just got home from work. I totally fucked up tonight, whoopsy. Like how can you mess up an easy job? Well, I did.

Yesterday however. I got the job of my dreams, maybe things are looking up? I also had a beautiful man in my bed, so thats good right? RIGHT!?

Then why do I still feel so….so…uhhhh… (see above excerpt)

When I first moved to the city I noticed a startling amount of crazies on busses and trains and streets and I thought, “Why are there so many crazy people accumulating in Chicago.”

I get it now, Chicago is my abusive boyfriend. It beats me and beats me and I want to leave him and then when I’m packing he comes home, scoops me up in his arms, cries with me, makes me a bourbon and we watch movies together on the couch all night ad pretend the whole thing is fine for a little while. And everything is fine until he does it again and so on and so on.

~~Also, why is this function even on the toolbar?~~

11.21.08 Amanda "It's Been One Week"

2008-11-25T10:42:00.001-08:00

I’m not the kind of gal that just goes to a bar, gives a guy my number,and then makes out with them. That being said, last week I went to a bar, gave a guy my number, and then made out with him. In a KFC parking lot. Three times. Why the parking lot and not inside the bar? Well, he wanted to go somewhere ‘romantic’. So, whilst inhaling fried chicken fumes we kissed under the moonlight, stopping only to let the cabs full of drunk people pass to enter the creepy alley way behind us. Romance defined.

So. This guy has my phone number. I’ve never had this happen, mainly because my brain functions and I don’t make out with strangers. Now, I’ve heard tell of a ‘three day rule’, which I think is completely absurd, and I thought that this guy (we’ll call him Tim, because that’s his name) would follow that rule. Seemed a pretty harmless assumption, no? Meet me on a Saturday, call me on a Tuesday…so mysterious. Well, Tuesday came and went. As did Wednesday, Thursday….he’s not calling. I guess making out in the KFC parking lot and talking about Shaquille Oneil all night meant nothing to you Tim, but hey NEWS FLASH it meant nothing to me either! So, lesson learned. Don’t give an inebriated male your phone number, watch him put you in his contacts as ‘Am Panda’, then expect him to fondly recall that night and also remember any part of you, especially your name.

11.21.08 dannielle 'Chivalry isn't dead & Buzz.Kill'

2008-11-25T10:36:00.000-08:00

I like it when men hold doors open for women, and when people move to give a bus seat to an old lady. It’s the only lasting proof that chivalry isn’t dead. AND I think it’s cute when people can’t make eye contact. I also love when women hold doors open for men, and I love meaningful eye contact. Howevs, that’s beside the point.

You know how you date someone for a long time, and it ends, and it’s fine, then they turn insane? Buzz.Kill. (is that one word or two?)

I’ve seen Buzz.Kill two nights in a row, and by “seen” i mean we were at the same event talking to the same people and I never once looked her in the eye.

Why do we do this? It’s not like I feel sad or incomplete or regretful. I’m way happier sans buzz.kill, but I also have no desire to have said muerto del buzz in my life. So somewhere between love and hate stands “Indifference.” This is where I am right now. I don’t care enough to fix and I don’t care enough to avoid. I go on with my life as if you are not there, and I am fine. EXCEPT when you’re rude to my friends…come on, what’d they do?

petty and childish. Something I don’t miss.

ALSO. I got a flat tire today, and they patched it in 45 minutes for 21 dollars. AND we got to work on time. I taught some children, and I txtd str8 the whole time. AAAND, I’ve found that even though I don’t drink, smoke, or do any hard drugs, I can have fun going out. I actually sort of enjoy bars…and I’m real into shirley temples….

11.20.08 Marie: Oh Em Goodness

2008-11-25T10:35:00.000-08:00

I cannot stop saying OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!!

ohmygod? I just got off the phone with… let’s call him Texas for now. Who plays with a band (not a small one), which shall remain nameless. I met him yesterday at the diner where I work. Some eye contact was shared between himself and myself through the mirror which hangs behind the counter (and of course when I refill his water). He is very cute very cute. I should mention that my music world knowledge is very lacking, so I have no idea who it is I am thinking is oh so cute. Cute. Did I mention that?

As he and his friends are leaving we strike up a conversation. He tells me his band is playing in town. He tells me I should come see band. I say not sure I can. I say come see me tomorrow at diner. He says yes.

He follows through.

Today at diner he gives me address and time of show along with his phone number written on a napkin. A door a bull. Did I mention the whole time he is in there I feel severely caffinated even though I am not. (I have nix-ed caffiene from my diet except on rare and special occasions) He tells me he is going to put my name on the list. He also informs me what band he is playing with: ****** ,what? This band I have most definitely heard of. Now I am not sure what I have gotten myself into.

At home I call him. And he is giggly. And I am giggly. And it is ADORABLE! Oh My God. He tells me he is shy, and that I seem nice (and he is right because I am nice.) And you know what? HE IS NICE!

Mackenzie just got home to hate me for life.

11.20.08 Amanda "I'm Not a Playa, I Just Crush A Lot"

2008-11-25T10:34:00.001-08:00

I moved up to Chicago from Charleston, South Carolina on July 2nd. And it still feels like vacation. A very poor and sometimes hungry one, but vacation nonetheless.

There are little things that make it feel like home, though. For one, the almost 20 people from Charleston who now live up here as well, the fact that the old man who owns Stella’s knows my name and sometimes touches my shoulder inappropriately, and that my bedroom looks exactly the same as it has since I was 5. I also get to play in a band (shameless plug for Vintage Gramma) with my best friends, live in the same beautiful city as them, and get to run around in the snow at 2 in the morning like an asshole with them.

It seems that I’ve also turned back into a 12 year old. I develop ‘crushes’ on boys which completely inhibits all intelligence and motor skills when I am around said crush. I’ve never felt so stupid or clumsy in my whole life, and do things like bring up Tomagachi and Hanson while trying to hold a conversation with them. Not. Cute. Just. Weird. But, I’ve gained more control over myself and have elevated my flirtations to now being able to make eye contact most of the time and not giggling throughout the entire conversation like a moron. Still, there are two boys who turn me retarded no matter what. And all I can do is just stare at them while they ask me a question, pause, and wonder why I have drool running down the front of my shirt.

11.19.08 dannielle. "str8"

2008-11-25T10:33:00.000-08:00

So. Here’s the deal. I’ve lived in Chicago for almost a year now. There are a crap-ton (is that one word or two?) of gay people here, I would venture to say there are “millions of ‘em,” so my question is as follows…Why do I have a crush on a straight girl?

This is nothing out of the ordinary for me. I just wanna know why. Like, scientifically, I’m not looking for anything poetic or meaningful, I want to know which switch in my brain flickers at which moment which makes the next doohicky go blinky causing crush juices to flow…any ideas?

My dad says it’s the same reason he has crushes on married women

“Daughter, we want what we know we can’t have”

touche’

Today, str8 asked if she looks gay sometimes. She didn’t say it quite outright like that, but you get the gist. My answer was no. Then I went to girl lunch and discussed…

11.19.08 Sabrina "Boy, was that Audition Bad and Peep-Tree"

2008-11-25T10:32:00.000-08:00

I moved to Chicago in June for, well, here I am. After being a middle school teacher and living a comfortable life I was crawling out of my skin. Having alot of money, my own house and a nice boyfriend were making me miserable- I needed an adventure. So, now I live in Chicago, am poor, work miserable jobs with amazing people, wear the same thing everyday, party hard and feel truly, remarkably alive.

So, here is a snapshot of my day yesterday:

The blocks of ice attached to my legs woke me up early because I’d kicked my socks off and one of my feet was frozen to my other inner thigh. I fed my cats, took a shower, made coffee, checked my e-mail and left for an hour’s commute to the southwest side for my first day of tutoring reading and writing for 3rd graders. I like taking the bus because I can watch the colors of people change on the way down there and back. The 4 boys were loud and the one girl was alarmed and amazed that I quoted Hannah Montana for her.

After that I took the bus uptown where I climbed 3 flights of stairs on an empty stomach only to be met by about 25 other people auditioning for the same cheesy mystery dinner theater as me. I saw a girl I knew from college and hadn’t seen in years so that was nice.

I also saw a recent heartbreak smacking with his new girlfriend, so that was not nice. In fact, my name was called to go into the audition room as I was peeping through the trees at them and fighting back the teary lump in my throat. Not nice at all. Nobody likes a sex-diss. Especially when you still have to see them. What was I thinking?! I know what I was thinking and it is what every 13 year old boy thinks about all the time. I wanted some and I didn’t think it out beyond that. So, there I am, behind a fake plant- hating myself.

Once in the room, I promptly decided to blow the audition because the goateed man sitting behind the table introduced myself and the two others with me to his process with a hearty, “Hey ALL! Who wants to talk to Randy?!” Not me. Thanks. At the end of a quick and nervous twenty minutes Randy pointed at me from across the room and said, “You. You? Not interested in you,” then, pointing at the other two, “But, you two, can you stay and do some more?” Back at me, “So, thanks.” No, thank you, Randy. All the female sides made women sound like brainless whores anyway. Fuck dinner theatre. I just want dinner.

Then it was downstairs and to work. I work at Second City as a host. Its a great place for an artist because I am constantly surrounded by creative, wonderful people who make me laugh and didn’t even bat an eye the one day I broke down. (Thanks, peeping tree heartbreak I mentioned earlier)

Caught the bus with a friend. Made-up knock knock jokes all the way home. Climbed in my icicle bed. Drank some wine. Laughed at naked Japanese men launching themselves down mountains in massage chairs on youtube. Woke up early. Interview. Then, girl lunch.

Some laughs, laundry and leaving you with this:

I have every faith that things will work out. The fact that I have no idea what I mean by ‘work out’ is the only thing that makes me nervous.